Tuesday, 15 August 2017

throwing money out the window ... self expectation....

Its been awhile , we've got no pc right now so while I still handwrite journals each day It is difficult to type much content on a cell ph .
I've had several topics floating round in my head the past 3 weeks though & really needing to share ......
No I'm not giving away $ , throwing money out the window was just a line that came into my head during meditation .
 Meditation on ego & misery . Self expectation ,  negative expectation of self not others ( which is another whole subject )
Today this reading , it really helped me , see know , today was the day , I'm ready. I'd as I often do have a topic in my head or sitting in draft form for days . working things through .Ignorance is bliss. well , I guess that is the time it took me in that ignorance . Although I sure was not in a blissful state .
Did I want to know my truth ? Do you ?
Do I wish to open that can up , acknowledge the shit that's inside ? Am I afraid ?
Can I handle it without feeling I'm a worthless human being , will I demonize myself ? Will it hurt ?
all these that hold us back are fear driven . We all have fear , we all respond usually in not the most healthy ways either when it comes to fear .
So I have to get myself unafraid first off.
Looking at self , those negative facts , those negative truths . Most people want to just label others as either all good or all bad . We also do this to ourselves !
Ok back to looking at our negative side , our perhaps not so healthy side.
Yes I look at myself , self analyze . Yet you know what , look around you , listen , those closest to us also know that negative side . What are they saying ? In my healing 17yrs ago , learning & walking in discernment I learned what not acting in haste really means when it comes to listening .Often those of us who are risk takers while this can be a strong attribute we can also be extremely hasty in response , especially in a mean spirited way .  To not respond in defense at the snap of a finger , to not say mean words back , that it actually isn't a fight at all. It is just sharing their truth .
There is truth in what our loved ones say about us , truth about both our positive & negative . I'm not talking about nitpicking at someone's every little irritating fault either . in that case ignorance is bliss & we also need know when to move on & not point out all what we perceive as wrong . The point in helping someone with their negative behavior is to support them out of it , not nitpick at them & demonize them . Support is a totally different thing which helps another perhaps be empowered enough they can actually catch the behavior when it creeps in the next time & not need help from another at all.
Do I want to hear it ? Will I listen ?
So out of my ignorant nonblissful self I go
About 3 weeks ago I came to the realization my ego was hurting , needing self recognition . It creeps in . We all have it . I can't stand the feeling of it . Resentment & harmful anger settle in .  
I realized I was judging certain people for where they are at in their lives . their growth & learning .
Self focus in a very negative light . I haven't had that hard ego trip in yrs . It really popped in with a bang .
 So to counter this I began working on praise , on friending people rather than just ditching them . Enjoying what they share rather than judging it .
 I also was beginning to acknowledge my need to slow down , while I was busy judging those who are into fast paced learning , I realized my push of self to keep up .
This is neither how I was taught , how I learn or how I teach .
 I wasn't being me .
 So that ego really needed to come back to being authentic self.
 Ha , in a day , not on your life ! Remember I am slow , that is my true self .
No because get this even though I'd identified ego I still was extremely miserable , I kept blaming my cellulitius , my body being drained , it does play a toll on the mind when we've encountered a long term physical ailment . Yet no that was excuse , I was in need of reason , misery , this is not my norm , yes I speak of the negative but usually in a way that will educate .
I was just miserable day in & out .
 Why should I be in misery ? I mean I'm in my element , I'm working my magic , we've got the new homestead business started .
This is it , the trigger , the root . Slowly digging deep I was seeing , it was taking me a long time for this one . This acknowledgment of my misery , thankfully my loved ones do have some patience , tolerance etc.
As I walk in the woods & I listen , really listen , this is my altar , my soul , my spirit .
 It was that irritating $ issue yet again !
 My morals , my integrity , my whole being was tormented . Again it creeps in .
I was miserable & mean spirited . No I'm not a demon , yet I can have demon like qualities , I am not a mean spirited person , we are all capable of being mean to another though, every single one of us !
Yet our positive & negatives effect not just us , it effects others around us .
I could see I was irritating people . We all have faults , annoyances that irritate .
 I just couldn't stand being in this state any longer . Again Thank You husband for your patience .
I really did need to get this crap out . This issue of earning $ . No I'm not talking self sabotage , I'm not talking about not earning any $ . This is about the how ! & The insane trap I put myself into . Negative self expectation !
Yes I had expectation this summer would be a boom for product. Ha ha says Mother Nature !
False expectation , demon # 1 , I thought I'd be earning at least 4 times what I do in a summer , I've earned 1/4 LOL , counting your chicks before they're hatched demon #2 , I had planned in my head all the great things that would come our way due to $ missing what great stuff is right here demon #3
Sheesh , I can't say what a relief this was once I began to really dig . I really must've had a fear of letting these demons go because this has been several months of this shit .
 Really I can physically feel weight off my back . That misery lifting , not all gone but I really had to revamp in my soul what I was doing in order to earn $ & nope my morals , ethics & integrity just couldn't do it .
So yes I'm tossing the $ out the window . Take that false profit !
Regrowth , climbing out of that sludge pit .
 Being my slow self yet again , being the hippy dippy unschooling mum & silly granny .
I remember what I will ethically do for $ and will not do .
So I'm returning to that which makes my spirit rise , Those I respect & love in this world & others , My magic cat ninja , my grandmother & greats , Tasha Tudor , Jeanne Parvati , Sandra Dodd , Jeanne Rose , old hiipy women ....... looking up old Waldorf ways , Old in print copies of my compleat mother , sage woman & unschooling mags . Hanging out with my kid way more , touching , seeing & hearing
Again these are not excuses , this is the real me , coming out , re-emerging once again just like the beautiful monarchs that healed me all 33 yrs ago in MX they emerge again here today & next time I need it again , because there always will be need for healing ......
 Slowly not fast , not immediate , yet true emergence takes time it is not based on negative /false expectation of self or another  , remember that ! 

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